Nobody Wins.

When I was a young man, I fought in the Cold War. But I never really fought anyone. I was in the military stationed in West Germany during the 1980s. I was assigned to a mobile radar unit that was designed for conventional war. We frequently practiced war games with either scheduled deployments or with sudden “crash outs” where we were called up early mornings that simulated situations escalating more quickly. The scenarios were always similar: The US/USSR would have some sort of disagreement or misunderstanding and then there would a worsening of relations until they ceased normal, open communications. Intelligence reports would show Soviet troop movements and build ups along the inner German border. Eventually a conventional war would start, and we (NATO) would start to win. (We had superior forces and superior weapons. I believed this then and I believe we still do.) The Soviets, not wanting to lose, would then employ what was called a “Limited Release”, or tactical use, of nuclear weapons. Then we would respond in kind. Soon after, the strategic “General Release” would be declared, Soviets first then the US would follow — all out nuclear war. My unit would be destroyed, game over. We actually looked forward to this part of the exercise because it meant, after about 4 days of constant work and very little sleep, we got to pack up all our equipment and go home and drink German bier.

I was in my 20s then and I never really thought much about what a crazy game we played. It was just a lot of hard work and great fun with 70 of the best friends I’ve ever had. I think about it now; especially now. It’s been stated that the definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I think a better definition is playing a game that no one can win. One where everyone dies.

I remember having this dream once, while I was still in Germany. In the dream, I woke up at home, looked out of my window and could see giant mushroom clouds in the distance. Many of them. General Release. It had occurred without escalation. No one had called me up. I decided to get in my car and drive off toward France. Desertion. In my dream I remember thinking “what’s the point” of reporting? When I really woke up my heart was pounding through my chest.